I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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