hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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