Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
