I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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