I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
