I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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