M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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