from now on my penis is your penis
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
