She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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