i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
