You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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