He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize