I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
