i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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