Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
