He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
