she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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