My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
