Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
