I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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