Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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