my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize