I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Randomize
