He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
