I wish I could teleport
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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