My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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