I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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