now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
