Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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