I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
