Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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