Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
