Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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