No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
oh god the rape fog is back!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
