I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
