i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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