remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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