I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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