And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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