apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
