My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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