This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
