I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
