I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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