Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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