we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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