she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
someone owes me an orgasm
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize