If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
