I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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