who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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