update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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