This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
