I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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