he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
