fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
