grandma shit on top of the toilet
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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