There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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